Dear friends, this blog serves as notice to you and the world that I plan to run for office every November from now until I’m too old to do so any longer. Now just in case you’re wondering, I don’t know what office I am running for, but rather let you the people decide the best place for me to serve. I will accept your vote for anything from Dog Catcher all the way up to President or anything between those two worthy offices. When you stop laughing, you should start to think about my qualifications, especially against many of those currently running our government at all levels and I know that once you do that, you will come to the conclusion that I am certainly better qualified for those jobs than most of our current politicians are. Now because I know that in America we like politicians who make all sorts of promises and lay out what they will do in office, i offer you the following.
My Platform
- The first thing that I promise to do is make you lots and lots of promises and you should expect me to keep every single one of them! At least that is until I get elected.
- I promise I will never lie to those who elect me, but you’ll have to watch closely since the only way to tell if I’m lying will be if my lips are moving.
- Now I know that if you vote for me I’m supposed to represent you (in whatever office I hold), and I promise to do that when I’m not busy sucking up to the real people who elected me. In case you’re wondering, those are the Very Rich and Famous who contribute more than any of you could possibly contribute to help me get elected. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, we both know that in a year or two I will have to get reelected, so please don’t begrudge me the right to kiss up to people with enough money to ensure that I can hold onto my new office, after all, you do want me to get reelected don’t you?
- I’m sure that by now you’re starting to realize that like all politicians (at every level); I should be able to feather my nest just a little right? Now don’t you worry I will continue to represent you while I’m lining my pockets by taking money from supporters who need my vote to get their special project approved, but I promise that if your interest collide with theirs, I will put up a really good front before voting in their .
- Everyone knows that in any political office I will need a staff so I reserve the right to hire my spouse, kids and cronies to help me lie, cheat and steal my way to the top. What’s that you ask, why not hire some honest brokers? I know that you voted for me, but don’t be silly, if I’m going to lie, cheat and steal from the public, I need help and they must to be people who I can trust, so who better than family and few crooked old friends?
Ok, so now that you know the basics of my platform, let me assure you that if you’re rich I promise not to ever raise your taxes or implement any policy that cost you more money. For my less fortunate constitutes, I promise you lots of free stuff just like you like it and despite my pledge to the rich, your free stuff won’t cost you a single penny. Yep, that’s right I’m going to make sure that I help the poor and disenfranchised while shielding the rich from higher taxes, and you should believe that because after all you can trust me because you voted for me, and I represent you and only you.
Friends, I have no intention of running for any office, but I wanted to write this as a demonstration of how foolish we all are to think that the people we vote for have any interest in representing any of us, unless of course you happen to be one of those lucky few who truly have the money to get your local, state or federal politician’s attention. Yes, we can participate in the process by putting up signs, getting petitions signed and encouraging our friends and neighbors to vote for the smuck that we currently believe in. You may even be able to have what you consider a meaningful conversation with one of these folks, but make no mistake, if you don’t have cash or check in hand, they didn’t hear a single word!
As I watch the fiasco happening in Washington and in state houses around the country, I can’t help but wonder when the dis-function will end? It seems more and more that no matter what you or I believe, we’ve elected a bunch of ego maniacs who care more about winning their personal political battles than doing what we elected them to do. The question now becomes: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
I’m just sayin