Anyone who has ever set foot on a commercial airline has undoubtedly seen a copy of Sky Mall Magazine and most have probably thumbed through it once or twice. Unlike a lot of people who play with their cell phones or IPADS while the plane is waiting to taxi for takeoff, I usually browse through the Sky Mall. I can’t remember ever purchasing anything from the pages of this magazine, but I have to admit that I do find many of the items interesting and possibly even useful. You’ve probably guessed by now that this article isn’t about the useful stuff, but rather the items that I personally find to be strange and unusual, so let’s go.
Portable All In One Sun Tracking Solar Generator – this little device travels with you so that if you’re on a picnic, at the beach or camping trip, you can set it up and the solar panels are supposed to follow the sun and provide power for your portable electronic devices. While this seems like a good idea, why wouldn’t I just plug my phone or computer into my car or truck AC outlet? If you like this little device it will only cost you $1499 and you’re guaranteed to be the only person in your circle of friends and family to own one.
Toppik – A safe and natural way to eliminate bald spots on the scalp of men and yes women as well! It says that you shake this stuff over the bald spot and it fills in with something that looks just like your hair. I don’t know about the rest of you, but if I start losing my hair, I think I’ll just cut it off and go bald, but if that’s not your style, you can rush over to www.skymall.com and be the first to get yourself a bottle of Toppik in one of 9 colors for only cost $21.95.
Somawave Head Massager – Guaranteed to disconnect you from the world after a stressful day at work, play or life in general. Just slip on your scientifically designed Somawave Helmet and enjoy the ultimate relaxation experience. If this thing really works, it could put Liquor stores, Pain pills and Drug dealers out of business. All those years that some of us smoked pot and drank vodka; who knew that all we needed was a silly looking head massager to relieve us of our stress? Unlike our other forms of stress relief, the Somawave helmet comes with a safety warning. Yep that’s right, it clearly says: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery. I guess that means you shouldn’t wear it while you’re driving. And finally, the maker says that it may induce sleep or a trance like state of consciousness! Funny, that’s exactly the effect that Jack Daniels has on me.
Porch Potty – For those of us with dogs, this is a must have. The Porch Potty is a device that looks like a plant box with grass in it where your dog can do his business and it drains through the grass into a catcher below the device. I know, it sounds like a good idea, but stop and think about the smell after a few hours of dog pee sitting around your house all day. I can see it now; the dog starts out doing his business on the Porch Potty and later decides that anything on the floor that’s green will work. Can you say Dead Dog?
The Wordsmith Manual Typewriter – I’m an old guy, but a manual typewriter, really? In the Army, I worked in supply where we used manual typewriters to type our requisitions and other documents, and I have to tell you that I don’t miss one thing about a manual typewriter. The ribbons were dirty, the keys got stuck often, they were noisy and if you made a mistake you almost always ended up starting over again. So what was so great about a manual typewriter that would make me want to pay $199 to own one in an era of computers, tablets and smart phones? Here’s an idea Sky Mall, let’s also bring back the Model T, rotary telephones, and buggy whips.
I-GROW – The Sky Mall seems to really like products that claim to grow or repair hair because the I-Grow is a helmet with what appear to be lights inside that are supposed to make your hair grow. According to the description, the helmet has laser technology that grows your hair while you listen to the built in MP3 player. I have no idea if this thing will grow your hair, but you could get your inner Nerd on while sitting around your home looking stupid and listening to Bach or Beethoven.
Bottoms Up Boxer Briefs – Ok, I’m going to quit after this one before I lose what little mind I have left. Bottoms Up Boxer Briefs are briefs that are supposed to flatten and tone a man’s ass while reducing its size by 2 sizes. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but even when I weighed almost 250 pounds, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in Bottoms up Briefs. I don’t know what kind of men wear these things, but I really hope that I don’t know any of them. Do these guys actually have wives or girlfriends? If so, who are they and what could they possibly be thinking?
I could go on and on with the crazy things for sale in the sky Mall, but I think that most get the idea and I sincerely apologize for the craziness but I had to get this out of my head, so thank you for indulging me.
I’m Just Sayin